funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

I believe, dear reader, that it is imperative for us to remember this truth. Nothing in our life is absolute … except the absolute truth that our choices define the outcome of our lives. Further, our paradigms, if we let them, can control our choices.

As young girls, many in my generation allowed society, parents, church, and our peers to dictate our life course. We were “supposed” to get married, educate ourselves just enough to attract an upwardly mobile male, and settle in at ages 20, 21, or 22 to become perfect homemakers and mothers. This, we were told, would ensure that our lives would be happy and fulfilled … and that our mothers would get off our backs once and for all.

At my 10th Catholic Central High School reunion back in Ohio, I was only 27 years old and had 4 daughters. However, I was one of the “under producers” in my class. Some of my classmates had as many as 8 kids! Imagine … 8 kids in 10 years!! They were the ones, according to my paradigms, who were assured of a great place in heaven and a swell life right here on earth, surrounded by perfect, loving progeny.

I think that’s when I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I had swallowed a line of bull that no one, God or man/womankind, would truly sanction if they had a brain in their head.

My 10th grade science teacher, Sister Mary Annina, a hip and youthful nun, told me that I would be crazy to marry young. She advised me to get my full quota of education, become established in work I loved, and live away from my family before I even considered taking on a husband. I heard her, but I did not listen. It was too scary. That path would involve decisions I was unable or unwilling to make at that time. I was a coward—the old way was the easy way.

So, at the ripe old age of 20, with 2 years of college, I vowed to live with Ed, forsaking all others and cleaving only unto him for as long as we both should live. I followed the rules, delivering 4 babies in 6 years, moving from Ohio to Chicago to New Jersey to Albany, NY for his career. Frankly, I wondered all during that time who the hell I was.

After the divorce, I took up with Kevin, a lobbyist. Kevin was “separated” from his wife and kids but had somehow neglected to get his divorce. See, Kevin was a product of his paradigm. His rules said that it was OK for an Irish-Catholic male to have affair after affair after affair, but that he should never “leave the family”. I think that was ultimately named the Kennedy Syndrome by some astute shrink.

Life with Kevin was …interesting. Carnal carnage fueled by alcohol and drama is seldom boring, if you survive it. We broke up … we made up … we cheated … we cried … we kissed … we screamed. At least, I was now making decisions that I consciously knew were self destructive. I called that progress.

That lasted 8 years! I was in my 40’s, and a mess. Skinny, neurotic, depressed and scattered.

One night at a yoga class, the instructor said that we can control our emotions through our breathing. What??? Control emotions??? Nah … my emotions controlled me. Throughout those turbulent years, I read lots of self help books in my search for peace. One line stuck with me, however. “There comes a time in one’s life when she must finally take that life into her own arms.” I forget the name of the book, but I thank the author to this day for that simple sentiment.

Finally, all this self-help stuff began to make sense to me. I broke up with good old Kevin one last time. I met a nice guy named Matt who was slowly becoming my friend. He wasn’t flashy, but he was real. He wore polyester print shirts and I didn’t like his hair because it was sort of an Italian pompadour, but I figured I should look a little deeper this time. (And besides, I secretly knew I could change that exterior stuff—don’t tell Matt I said that.)

Matt and I went out a few times, lunches and picnics and movies. Then Kevin called. He asked me to meet him for a drink. After one drink, we had another and then another; and, feeling quite woozy and sexy, I heard him say, “I really love you, babe. This time I mean it. Just follow me to my apartment and we’ll talk things out.” (Again???) “I am ready to ask Marion for a divorce now and I just need for her to get the results from her biopsy before I do it.”

Oh, my God, what a smarmy slime I was. Her biopsy???

But old paradigms die hard. I got in my car and followed Kevin out the superhighway toward his apartment. As we approached the fork that would take me right to his place, I realized that if I turned left, I could be at Matt’s. Although I had never been to Matt’s place, I did know where he lived.

Through the alcoholic haze, God came to me. The voice was pretty clear. He/She said, “Look, bozo, you can choose sickness or health. Right will continue on the sickness. Left may help to make you healthier. But IT IS YOUR CHOICE!” A paradigm shifted.
Although I was a little ticked off that God had called me “bozo”, I got the message … finally! So, I yanked the wheel to the left and headed out to Matt’s apartment. He was awakened at 1:30AM by this weird female who asked, “Can I stay here tonight?” He let me in, put me on his couch and covered me with a soft blanket. He took no advantage of me and, at that moment, I realized that I loved him … pompadour and all.

I hate to give you the standard happy ending, but that’s what happened. Matt and I have been married for 19 years. Every now and then he tries to boss me around. I look at him and raise one eyebrow and he laughs, knowing he has “overstepped”. It’s a good marriage … or as good as marriages get although sometimes we drive each other crazy. That’s what people do after 19 years, I guess.

Funny, isn’t it, how old you can be before you finally “get it”? It’s fairly simple, really … choice defines life … and no paradigm on earth exists that cannot be shifted. So, if you’re in a place or a job or a relationship that is toxic to you, take a deep breath, dear sister, and SHIFT!

Jeanne Charters lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. A former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television, she started her own award-winning broadcast Advertising agency in 1990. [ charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023]