Irisha and Dominique
by Sandi Tomlin-Sutker

I met Irisha Pomerantzeff several years ago; we were both involved with a group of people looking to establish some sort of community living situation. Irisha specifically wanted to create a healing center on land in the area. She had already begun working with a young man, 21 year old Dominique, who was born with Cerebral Palsy. She started out working through Turning Point Services, helping his parents care for him in their home in Fairview. Today Dominique lives full-time with Irisha at her home in Hot Springs. Over the years I have seen Dominique infrequently—perhaps two or three times per year. When we three met recently to talk about Irisha’s work, I had not seen him in more than 6 months. I was, frankly, astonished at the changes in his physical abilities and his personality. Dominique is now almost 26 years old; he is completely dependent on others for his daily needs: feeding, drinking, diapering, moving him from place to place. As recently as two years ago, I experienced him as a profoundly handicapped person—little or no response to his environment, nearly complete inability to move with any volition, subject to difficult and frequent seizures. Today he is so clearly improved that I would term it a miracle. His eyes are aware, he has much more coordination in his movements—Irisha has even taught him to do a modified sit-up that he clearly relishes accomplishing. Following are excerpts from our talks and from writings she sent me about her experiences caring for Dominique and her goals for him and others like him.

From the start I knew to recognize the gift Dominique is to those around him. From the start I knew there really isn’t anything wrong with him. Nothing to fix. His mind may not work like most people’s but his heart is open, always hearing. He is perfect in this role he chose for himself. His purpose in life seems to be that of mirroring, always mirroring, in an effort to promote and create harmony, truthfulness and love. This knowing has afforded him enormous recognition and validation. And as I say these things, I recognize the need and importance of repeating theses things to him again, as 6 years of routine and rote, 6 years of struggle with an unwieldy body tend to obfuscate the life and splendor of this most giving being.

While Dominique’s success has been a great source for his own fulfillment, it has been a huge source for my own personal transformation and my growing experience of mindful living and unconditional love. This work has afforded me a continuously deepening experience of myself, it has offered me daily opportunities to face and embrace both my dark and my light sides as well as the negative and positive within me and its reflection around me. This work has, and continues to bring me closer to Who I Really Am, more and faster than anything else I’ve undertaken in my life. I dare hope I am becoming a more compassionate person in my entire universe. And it had to start with me. It had to start with me being compassionate toward myself. He has no problem forgiving me my shortcomings. I do. And in forgiving myself, deeply, I am able to recognize, understand and forgive the same in others, whether with respect to their behavior with Dominique or with respect to anything else. (I am still working on Bush!…hmmm, on myself that is!)

I started working with Dominique almost 6 years ago. In those days he never looked into anyone’s eyes. In the beginning he was sad and withdrawn most of the time. Today he is mostly happy and responsive. He displays much more subtle emotions, reactions, laughter and interest. His body as well is capable of feats he didn’t come near 6 years ago. Just recently Dominique had a sustained interaction with me for an entire 10 minutes. This has never happened since I’ve known him. For 10 minutes he responded to me via smiles, almost giggles, and eyes that were so wide and alert! His eyes were full of expression and relatedness. To have witnessed this is my greatest reward so far for my work with him!

How did this come about? For almost 6 years I’ve had to communicate with Dominique non-verbally. That’s akin to conversing with, say, a dog, a cat, etc. about their daily needs, their bodily needs, their emotional needs, their every need. His body needed strengthening. I bought him a pair of sunglasses, as direct sunlight seemed to hurt his eyes. Soon we discarded the syringe and began drinking straight from the cup, increasing the amount of intake, slowly but surely. His diet needed some adjustments and modifications. I made sure it had diverse tastes, different colors and textures, more raw foods, more fiery stuff. From typical male striped clothes we went to the girl’s department to find soft, bright colorful garments. Massage and bowel movements became a daily routine. Some 6 months later, he moved into my house and began frequenting the Hot Springs Spa on a weekly basis. His body relaxed, he gained weight, and he relished attentively every night as I read James and the Giant Peach to him before sleep.

Dominique began to feel I was his friend. He was ecstatic to trade his seat in the recliner towards the passenger seat in my Honda Civic and go places. He manifested his enthusiasm with loud sounds and broad smiles. We went to Satsangs, meditations, parks, waterfalls, pot lucks, movies... and everywhere we went friends recognized him for the beautiful being that he is. Slowly he dared replace the scowl on his face when seeing strangers with inquisitiveness and trust.
In the end, Dominique is communicating back and not just to me, but more and more with those whom he knows well and with whom there is an established trust. Before, he never looked into anyone’s eyes. But trust was established. He looked into my eyes. He looked into his mother’s eyes.

And speaking of trust, my most intense apprenticeship has been in the area of tolerance. I used to think that what was required was patience. How else can any one repeat the same task everyday, sometimes for several hours each task, day in day out? He could know perfectly well how to drink one minute, and in the next not know. He could be doing splendidly well, laughing, happy, all systems on and working, then in a split second, out of nowhere, comes a seizure, and in an instant, all that is gone: sometimes for an hour, sometimes for days, and in the past for weeks.  Six years ago, very short drinks (3 oz), lasted for hours. Today, long drinks (18 oz), usually take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour on a good day. On so-so days the same drink can take up to 3 hours. On really bad days, one drink can take all day…no kidding!
The one most difficult aspect for me to accept is Dominique’s physical resistance to everything. Even when he wants to do something his body, his motor skills, are resistant. “Relax, Dominique!” are my most commonly used words just about any day—I couldn’t count them, they are in the hundreds. He relaxes and then we have to do it again. I used to think of God’s patience towards us humans, always resisting his love, always resisting trust of All That Is.  No, that’s not the most difficult thing to accept. It’s the seizures. Recently I realized it’s not patience that’s required it’s tolerance. It’s both, but tolerance is harder and more encompassing.

And seizures! My goodness! They used to be numerous. Today, they are not rare but they are few and are either isolated or go in cycles. He rarely has more than 3 in a day and often goes for weeks at a time without one. Yet when he does have them in a grouping and his body and motor skills quickly deteriorate, I often feel exasperated, frustrated at least. In one instant, everything changes. His well-being changes, our plans change, the color of the day changes. How I deal with this frustration influences Dominique’s trust of me and through me of people in general. It influences how much eye contact he has with others and how much happiness he can experience.

His seizures are very interesting. According to my chiropractor, they are the result of over stimulation of the brain. This appears true on a physiological level and that’s how they can be treated physically. Yet there are so many other levels and so many different reasons for them to happen. So many times, Dominique has made quantum leaps after a seizure. So many times they are a form of release. So many times, it seems like he goes into a black hole and gets reworked, gets informed. So many times, it seems like he is having sex in another dimension. And so many times, it would seem better for him not to have them at all. Yet it’s also true that after each time Dominique has been very ill, which manifests in numerous seizures, Dominique has grown exponentially. It appears that seizures are a form of letting go, a form of death and a rebirth. Everything that is dark, negative, fearsome, unworkable is spit out as a prelude to a new beginning, a quantum leap into a higher frequency.

Today, after looking at all the work we have done together, I can say that what makes him feel good and thriving are the same things that also make you and me feel good and thriving: being recognized, being acknowledged, being heard, being loved! Approximately a year ago I realized people, including me, ask him questions but do not wait for the answer. Sometimes it takes several minutes, many minutes for him to come up with the answer. And then, what good is it to answer, if no one is listening? [And I would add that in our culture, we only acknowledge and are comfortable with verbal answers; we don’t really know what to do with the non-verbal ones!]

I have quickly understood Dominique heals as soon as I do. He has less to do as I heal, as anyone heals. He no longer has to react. Dominique has a capacity to fluctuate his physical well being according to how people in his environment deal with their own issues. To the degree that we look at our issues, dealing with them and being honest with them, he is OK. The minute I deviate from my own truth, he reacts. This is the way he interacts with his surroundings. Yet it is not the end result that seems to affect him, it is the honesty during the process.

My work with Dominique has become, when I let it happen, a living meditation. All of my animals participate. I have also noticed how the birds have come to signal and alert me to Dominique’s calling. For example, one day, I was weed eating, making a lot of noise. My weed eater’s string got eaten up, and I had to stop because the string got enmeshed and I had to manually get the string out. When I stopped the machine, I noticed the birds where frantically screaming around the house. I thought of Dominique and went to see. Indeed it wasn’t the cats. Dominique needed to be changed. I could tell he had just relieved himself. As I responded to the birds’ call by taking care of Dominique’s need, the birds became silent and went on with their normal business of eating... I was amazed. The entire universe, and even the weed eater, when I listened, was talking to us. I—we—can choose to be in sync.

Dominique is not my son, and never will be. Yet I know him like my son, I feel him like my son. I know, whether I am in the room with him, or outside, whether I am awake or asleep, I know when he needs my assistance, or anyone’s assistance to burp, to come out of a seizure. He knows this and relies upon it. It has given him and me the ability to create non-verbal, occasionally vocal, “vocabulary” for some of his daily needs. In the end Dominique is increasingly communicating back, not just about his daily needs, not just to me but to all, though it is true he does it better with those whom he knows well and trusts.

I would like to continue caring for Dominique and provide him with a good home where he can best self-express. I would like to create an environment where such caring would extend to others. From this environment, Dominique and others will find their unique voice to speak to other caregivers, to their families, and to anyone who would like to hear.

For this purpose, I would like to find a person, or persons who would come into this picture and help. I would like for our work to be filled with celebration and fun but also with contemplation and accountability. I would like to fill our house with music and play yet with silence and exercise as well.

We live on slightly more than 3 acres of organic, beautiful land. With a large pond filled with frogs and fish, a small enclosed garden intended to grow larger with time, flower gardens, wooded areas, creeks, knolls and views, the land is of several dynamics and feelings.

I would like for the people on this land to evolve into a mindful and sustainable way of living and create a microcosm of peace, compassion and celebration!
With time I envision a small center to enable the disabled (CP and Autism) which would be a nucleus for a greater retreat for people in general who would like to come and learn innovative ways to work with the handicapped, and/or to simply to immerse themselves into a way of life that falls back on who we really are and what we are here to be.

Irisha Pomerantzeff is an artist, musician, gardener and healer who is currently living in Hot Springs. She has lived on several continents and speaks four languages. [ irisha@nclink.net ]