Dear Sisters
is an advice column with a twist: instead of having a single "expert" (á la Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Dr. Phil or even Dr. Ruth) we prefer to draw on the wisdom of our sisters—the wise, wonderful, and sometimes wild women of Western North Carolina!

The idea is to create a dialogue among women: one woman presents a question for which she is seeking advice; one or more questions will appear in each issue for all of us to answer. Share your wisdom and experience—what you did right or what you did wrong (and learned from) in a similar situation. As always, the idea is to listen to the suggestions of others and then to make your own choices, based on your own internal wisdom.

Send both questions and answers to others' questions to dearsisters@wnc-woman.com. We will print your name, initials, or town, as you prefer.
Our first question (below) has prompted lots of response...we decided to continue the dialog in this issue. See also Rose Sierra's piece A Lost Chorus on page 16 for another prespective on depression.

Question: “I have a couple of friends going through moderate to severe depression right now. How can I be of support to my friends at this time? What are my responsibilities and when should I butt out? Have you been through a major depression yourself? what did you want from your friends?”

In my experience, different people want and need different responses to their depression. I went through a dark period when I felt like there had been some cosmic shattering of the Universe’s Energy, leaving me in a darkened glass bubble. I watched the outside world go through the days, seemingly oblivious to the sudden skewing of the world! Even my friends who were aware of the events that so shook my world continued to go through their days as if Life were unchanged, though they offered their support to me. My work partner was wonderful in letting me step away from my responsibilities for brief periods each day. She and I saw the same therapist, and she was a valuable sounding board, but also understood that the work was mine to do. Other friends were supportive in their offers to care for my son when I couldn’t face parenting. For the most part, though, I preferred to be left alone to do the self work necessary for escaping from the dark bubble.

What I did NOT want were sympathy or commiseration with my sorrow—or shared anger over the events that led to the darkness. I certainly did not want advice and recommendations, responses that were about others and their experiences, not about me and mine.

This was MY response. I’ve known others who did want the sympathy of friends, and yet others who wanted isolation.

You do not mention whether your friends’ depressions are chronic or episodic. I think that makes a difference as well. I’ve lived for 22 years with a husband who has suffered from depression for over 25 years, and was recently diagnosed with “double depression” -- periods of profound depression overlaying a long term, lower-grade chronic depression! In the beginning of our marriage, I offered my sympathy, my “support,” my understanding and my compassion. I accepted as legitimate his anger toward me for failing to make him happy. When all of these efforts failed, as they inevitably will, I became angry and pushed away from him in self defense. Finally, after 18 years of this, I realized that I am not responsible for his happiness, HE is.
This doesn’t mean I quit supporting him; it means I learned the difference between honoring and respecting his struggle, and accepting responsibility for it. As long as I accepted responsiblity, he could blame me for his depression. And he needn’t seek professional help.

Much to his credit, my husband responded to my new paradigm by changing his as well. He sought treatment and is now seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, acupuncturist and is also doing some body work! Our marriage and our lives are greatly improved. He still suffers from depression, but we no longer hold me responsible for his happiness or unhappiness. Additionally, he reports that the mood swings are less dramatic, and certainly they are less hurtful to our family.

So, my short answer to the question: I don’t believe there is (ever) any one right way to support a friend’s depression. What worked for me was practical support—babysitting, respecting me and “where” I was. But no matter what, I would caution you to maintain an awareness of appropriate boundaries. Make strong examination of your own motives, your needs and your goals! Support and respect without trying to solve the problem. That’s a job for your friend and her therapist(s).

NOVEMBER'S QUESTION:

Dear Sisters, I am about to marry for the first time. My husband-to-be and I are both "grown-ups" and have our own incomes. (Children are not in the picture and we are both self-employed.) We have had our Money Talk, and find we share values about spending, saving, etc., but we don't have any clear ideas about the logistics of blended incomes. I'd love to know what works for people: separate or shared bank accounts, or both? Should we divide all expenses down the middle? Should we keep our own money to spend as we like while sharing living expenses? What do people do?

ANSWERS:

1. I was very interested in the question about the “logistics of blended incomes” since my husband and I have very successfully been “unblended” for 25 years. We have kept our incomes as separate as possible -- separate bank accounts, car title, investments. We bought our house together, but we both own other property separately. We usually ask for separate movie tickets and restaurant tabs. We split major appliance, furniture, utilities and groceries down the middle.

When we were both working as teachers our incomes were about the same so it was simple to be fair about shared spending. When I inherited a little money, I decided to pay for vacations to make up for the difference in income. My husband was agreeable, and this has worked out fine.

The message I want to give to “dear sister” is to not get caught up in the notion that the couple must be “one” in every way. You will last as “one” a lot better if you are not arguing about how to spend your money. Money can be a control issue, and it can become an perfect arena to fight out other emotional issues. Don’t let that happen to you. Good luck,

Jean Forrister ~ Happily Independent Though Married P.S. One of our financial models was my aunt and uncle's 1935 marriage.

2. As part of our marriage, an agreement between two people who voluntarily decide to share their lives, it seemed logical to my husband and me to also share our finances—all of them. Joint bank account, joint debts, joint everything, period. Our home and any other financial assets are in both our names, but what’s mine is his and what is his is mine.

The only time it is a problem is when we buy each other gifts and then it’s money coming from our joint account. Some people set up separate mini accounts just for that, but as for the Big Stuff, it all goes into one pool. I happen to manage our money; ironically, right now my husband is the only one earning any, but it doesn’t matter. When we go out we joke about who is paying, since it’s all merged. It makes life less stressful, in my opinion, because there is less pressure to carry a large financial burden.

This is a very important question because there is a strong correlation between the specific financial decisions that couples make and the success of the marriage or relationship. Many, if not most, couples struggle to find a successful way to blend their individual financial attitudes and styles.

Whether you choose to keep your money totally segregated, or to pool your money in order to build your future together, money is a presence in every relationship. One way to create financial harmony is to schedule time to talk about money. Making a date for “money meetings” prevents financial problems from spilling into other areas of the relationship and allows each partner to feel heard and respected on this issue.
However you choose to handle your finances as a couple (individually or together), try to find a way that works for BOTH of you and ideally includes both of you in the process. Remember that it is up to you to remain on top of your own financial situation, so you avoid becoming a statistic (over 50% of marriages end in divorce; following divorce a woman’s lifestyle declines as much as 50-60%; 75% of the elderly living below the poverty line are women).

If you enter this relationship as an equal partner and remain committed to your individual success, as well as to the success of the marriage, then you have a much greater chance of creating a healthy, long-term relationship.

Reeta Bochner Wolfsohn, CMSW, founder of the Femonomics Institute (femonomics.com).