a woman's journey
by barbara lange

In the beginning there was Woman and as she birthed herself in this push-pull, fight-or-flight world, she felt certain feelings and began to ask why. And as she grew and evolved, and in the spirit of continuing self analysis, she began to take a look at major events in her life. These milestones are those personal turning points when who we are and what we do creates a path and a pattern for who we will become. These turning points can be called a kind of rite of passage and of these we shall speak.

Over ten years ago, when my friend Lynda and I facilitated a women's retreat on Cayo Costa Island in Florida, we had no idea that it would be a major rite of passage for ourselves. In our post-retreat talks, we decided that we had had so much fun and discovered so many things, that we would make it an annual event and send out flyers. So, Rites of Passage Retreats was born in 1991, the creation of two friends who shared many things: Gemini sun signs, an interest in things Native American, artistic creativity, respect for the earth, and a sincere desire to grow and learn.

When we began to talk, we realized that men and women do not seem to acknowledge and celebrate their passages in life.

There is no party thrown when a girl enters womanhood, no hats and horns when menopause arrives.

There are few rituals now when a boy enters puberty or when a man enters middle age and begins the most powerful cycle of his life. And there may be no place to go to discuss the joys and trials of being a man or a woman in this fast paced, stressful and changing world.

So we decided to start recognizing these passages with ceremonies and rituals, and to share them with friends. We continued to gather on that small island off the west coast of Florida and it became such an incredible experience, with tears and laughter and life-long friendships, that we opened it up to others—and it just grew.

And now RITES OF PASSAGE RETREATS gathers people in transition several times a year. Small groups of remarkable men and women come together on islands, in the mountains and at sacred sites around the world to remind themselves just how powerful they really are. And they change their lives. We participate in fire gatherings and dream circles, and connect with the inner self through drumming, toning, and vision telling. We come together in guided meditations, silent walks, and practice the gentle art of tai chi on the beach. We unlock our own creativity through mask making, body art, and working with warm clay from the earth. We carve a life staff, paint a shield, spend an afternoon reading or writing in our journals. And most importantly, through all of this, we explore the outer world as well as the inner self.

We celebrate what psychologist, Ira Progoff calls our "intersections" in life - the places where there are forks in the road and we choose one over the other. Gathering at sacred sites around the world, we come together and bond as a group of spiritual travelers. We talk, we explore, we connect with other cultures and honor Mother Earth.

Perhaps the best way to understand this process is to read about one woman's journey on a recent week-long retreat here in the mountains:

And here we are, eight of us, mostly strangers, arriving in a strange place. Travelers seeking what? Solace? Clarity? Some peace of mind? There is nervous laughter and introductions … "Hi - yes, I'm Shirley. Hmm? Oh, I live in Sarasota. Where are you from? Did you drive?" Travelers from Florida and Arizona and Missouri finding our rooms and roommates and the bathrooms and the kitchen. Later, we come together in circle to hear the leaders talk about what exactly a rite of passage is. There is orientation, discussion of the daily schedule, the food and times of meals. And then we find a comfortable chair or floor pillow and close our eyes as we begin the Evening Circle. The drumming begins to echo my heartbeat and I breathe in the sacred sage and sweetgrass smoke as it cleanses and sends my prayers into the ethers for blessing. Slowly, I begin to relax and breathe. Relax and breathe. Thanks heavens, I think, for isn't that why I've come? There is time for quiet contemplation and it calms us, unites us, and prepares us to begin this journey.

Sitting at the large dining room table for our first meal is full of reaching and talking, laughing and questioning. We say a grateful grace and eat good, healthy food and ask for more. Breaking bread is always a powerful way to connect and we are feeling more comfortable with one another. Such interesting women, I think. I want to know more about the redhead at the end of the table and did the woman on the right say she was a midwife?

Afterwards, we clear and clean and have time to unpack, get oriented, talk and get ready for the Evening Circle. And there, we hear the stories of Judith Duerk in her book, Circle of Stones. "How might your life be different if there had been a place for you, a place of women … a place where other women reached out to help you as you rooted yourself in the earth…". We share our own stories and sit and listen to the magical ringing of a crystal bowl as it seems to slow our hearts and minds … and even the air around us. And then it's time for bed and I yawn, feeling soft and plump and nurtured. I climb the stairs in silence. It is fitting.

Our days are filled with morning yoga, running, silent walks, meditation and breakfast to start the day. There are circles for writing with questions and exercises to make us think and stir our creative juices. One morning, we are given an art assignment. We might choose to make a mask or a life staff or a "give-away" (a gift to offer to another) made from natural things. In the beginning, we laugh and talk a lot, shuffling around the tables piled with art supplies, trying this color and that bead. "That looks great" says one and "Try this brush" says another. How long has it been since I played with paint and clay and feathers? How long has it been, I ask, and hear the child part of me reply "Too long, Momma, too long." And slowly, slowly, we settle into our creativity and become quiet. We hear the bird sounds and the nearby stream and the sweet silence of women creating together.

As I rest and relax and enter into an alpha state of mind while working or walking or just sitting, I think of many things: how good the grass feels under bare feet; what my mother told me when I was 12; the compliment someone paid me this morning. Not about work or school or husband or kids but about my connection to others in this place and how the green of these mountains seems to nurture me and hold me safe. Time seems to have expanded and I swing in the hammock and read Joyce Carol Oates under a giant pine tree.

Days are full of trips to ancient, sacred sites, with meeting remarkable people, and with just time for me. We run with wolves - an exciting experience - which is a gift from a woman who operates a nearby wolf sanctuary and joins us for the afternoon. We hear amazing diagnoses from an Asheville naturopathic doctor who is a well-known medical intuitive. As we sit and begin to drum in the evenings, we pick up the rhythm easily and it takes us into another place. One evening, we are led in a shamanic journey by a Brevard woman who leads us deep into ourselves and reveals our power animals. I feel my emotions rise as a pure message of change is sent and I flow with tears, unashamed. I find another part of myself when we are taken back in time in a meditation called a "deep time journey" with surprising stories and insights shared with the group afterwards. In dream circles we lie in circle and close our eyes as the chants and the music aid us in making our intentions for the nightly sleep journey. It prepares us and I sleep soundly, sometimes remembering these dreams.

In the mornings we "check in" and tell our dreams and our feelings—and if the air conditioner is working in our bedrooms. We ask " where do we do our laundry?" and "will there be time to shop?". Each day, each moment brings us closer and we share those turning points in our lives and get new perspectives on who we are and what we have really accomplished. I realize that each retreat must create itself through the unique gifts and personalities of the people present. We are all so different but we seem to be on the same path - not definable exactly, but we recognize each other. And then we come to the last evening and the Rites of Passage Ceremony. In preparation, we are busy finding robes and feathers and having our faces and bodies painted We decide who we will be and if it's outrageous, so be it! We spend quiet time writing our Intentions - what we wish to release from our lives and what we wish to bring in. These are carefully and consciously written on white paper and will be burned during the ceremony. Fire, it is explained, is an age-old tradition from ancient cultures to transmute energy and manifest desires and thoughts. We gather around the fire and bring our creative writings and our art and our give-aways. We are anointed with sweet-smelling oil and smudged for the last time with the sacred smoke. We hear the writings and thoughts of people like ecstatic poets Rumi and Hafiz and the prophecies of Hopi elders. We sing and laugh and dance under the stars. We throw caution to the wind and jump in the river without bathing suits and howl at the moon.

Our day of leaving is exciting, sometimes sad, and what we know is that our lives are changed. We've made some life-long friends and created some memories which will nurture us in the future. Closing Circle tells us that we need to remember that we are vulnerable, that we leave this place with open soft hearts and that the clerk at the mini-mart may offend us with his tone or our husband or children or even our friends at home will not be able to fully understand what the week has been for us. So, on our return journeys, we will ground ourselves and re-enter slowly and with awareness. Stripping beds, packing, bumping too-heavy suitcases down the stairs, giving hugs and taking photographs, making promises to write or call, we begin the re-entry process with physical things. As we wave goodbye, we realize that it has been a true family reunion. It is a coming together of women who didn't know they knew each other, re-uniting at a particular time in life that has created such profound changes that we don't even realize them yet. Driving down the driveway, down the road by the river or arriving at the airport, we do realize that we have truly celebrated a rite of passage.

Barbara Lange is an artist, writer and traveler and lives in Green Mountain, NC. She leads Rites of Passage Retreats to sacred sites throughout the world, teaches art and writing classes in the Asheville area and holds a monthly creative arts salon at her home, Laughing Heart Lodge. To contact her call 828-682-4684 or email:laughinghearts@yahoo.com