Dear Sisters is an advice column with a twist: instead of having a single "expert" (á la Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Dr. Phil or even Dr. Ruth) we prefer to draw on the wisdom of our sisters—the wise and wonderful women of Western North Carolina!

The idea is to create a dialogue among women: one woman presents a question for which she is seeking advice; one or more questions will appear in each issue for all of us to answer. Share your wisdom and experience—what you did right or what you did wrong (and learned from) in a similar situation perhaps. We'll have our own panel of experts, semi-experts, know-it-alls, and other interested parties who will chime in too. As always, the idea is to listen to the suggestions of others and then to make your own choices, based on your own internal wisdom.

Send both questions and answers to others' questions to dearsisters@wnc-woman.com. We will print your name, initials, or town, as you prefer.

NOVEMBER'S QUESTION:

Dear Sisters,
I am about to marry for the first time. My husband-to-be and I are both "grown-ups" and have our own incomes. (Children are not in the picture and we are both self-employed.) We have had our Money Talk, and find we share values about spending, saving, etc., but we don't have any clear ideas about the logistics of blended incomes. I'd love to know what works for people: separate or shared bank accounts, or both? Should we divide all expenses down the middle? Should we keep our own money to spend as we like while sharing living expenses? What do people do?


ANSWERS TO OCTOBER'S QUESTION ABOUT DEPRESSION

Dear Sister,

There are a few things I think are extremely important in helping someone with depression. First of all, don’t try to talk them out of it. Honor the state they are in. There is a reason they are feeling depressed, and trying to cheer someone up without addressing the underlying issues only makes the person feel worse than they already do. Don’t add to their depression by amplifying their guilt for feeling the way they feel. Instead, become a really good listener, with the intention of not trying to change or talk your friends out of their feelings, but opening your heart to them as they are now. This gives them a safe place to express themselves, knowing that you are a person that they can be real with.

Secondly, when depression becomes chronic, it feeds on itself and people tend to withdraw, which makes the depression worse. Reaching out to people in depression is very helpful, if you are clear that you’re not trying to fix or rescue them, but to be their friend in tough times. Take the initiative to invite them out for dinner, a movie or a walk (exercise can be extremely beneficial because it gets things moving both physically and emotionally).

Finally, let them know they are loved as they are. This is a time when they need that love more than ever.

Rose Sierra
Personal Coach/Counselor

Dear friend of depression,

The 2 best things you can do for your friend are #1, don’t pull away and #2, know that you are not responsible for creating or fixing this malady.

Depression is both a clinical and organic illness. Your friend will exhibit behaviors, words, and actions separate from her true essence and the friend you know and love. She may pull away from you and may do things to push you away from her. I encourage you, don’t! Your relationship will shift and take on different flavors of togetherness and communication and of course, you need to take care of yourself.

But your friend really needs you...to know that you’re there in her need to cocoon and feel bad, ugly, hopeless and impossibly alone. (Much different from feeling lonely). Encourage her to get help when that feels appropriate and remind her life is overwhelming for us all at times (thus, she is not alone.) The more she sees your friendship as a constant, unconditional and trusted refuge that receives her the same whether she is at her highest or lowest...the safer she will feel to come out of her brave hiding and let go of some of the shadows that are darkening her way.
Been there, done that, learned a lot!

Asheville

Dear Sister,

I went through a severe, suicidal depression that lasted more than two years. I can only tell you what I needed—and did not need, from my friends. Prior to my own depression, I knew nothing about depression nor did I know anyone who'd experienced it—it was all virgin territory for me. (Now, alas, I know many women who've been through it!)

Of the two people who were closest to me at the time, one reacted to what I was going through by severing our friendship, slapping a variety of psycho-babble labels on me in the process. The effect of his words and actions at that tender time was devastating. My advice? See if you can avoid giving your friends the heave-ho at this time, and if you must, try to avoid telling them they are a miserable specimen of a human being. Remember, however your depressed friend is behaving, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! (See The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz if you haven't read it already.)

The other person who was the closest to me spent many hours on the phone with me, dissecting my pain, trying to fix me, trying to be my saviour. Looking back, it was as though I were flailing about in a lake, going under, and she was in a boat poking at me, grabbing at me, trying to haul me into the boat. What I needed to do was to learn to swim! Her efforts, while well-intentioned, actually hindered my progress. (Eventually, she fell out of the boat herself!). She was obsessed with helping me deal with my (pardon me) shit, but to me, it was as if I had a physical disease and she came to the hospital everyday wanting to know graphic details of all my, uh, bodily functions. If I wanted to keep my "shit" private, she'd angrily declare I was not being "real" with her. My shit was really none of her business, and since I was living in it (and dealing with it) 24/7, I was hoping she would offer me something else to look at for a change.

To be fair, she kept asking me "How can I support you?" but I was unable to tell her at the time what would help. It is possible, perhaps likely, that your friend may not be able to immediately identify what she needs, either. Here is what I wished I'd been able to articulate about what I wanted from my friends.

ONE: SOMETHING FUNNY. I don't mean to trivialize depression by saying I just need to be "cheered up", but laughter (as we know from Norman Cousins) is incredibly healing, and I could have used liberal doses of it. The catharsis of a belly laugh is far more useful than trying to wade through my pain with me. E-mail me jokes, tell me funny stories, send me a goofy video! If I were supporting a friend through depression, I would make it clear "I know you are going through a massive Dark Night of the Soul right now, and that you are doing tons of work to make your way through this passage. In the meantime, I offer this bit of silliness in the way of respite." In other words: "Take two jokes and call me in the morning!" [Try teehee.com and other sources of info on LAUGHTER THERAPY.]

TWO: SOMETHING TO EAT! During my own depression, even making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was too complicated for me. I ate only what I could unwrap for more than two years. Every piece of silverware I owned took up permanent residence in slimy dishwater. You know what I could've used? Some chicken soup! A salad, some vegetables. Something healthy and yummy. Really, when someone is paralyzed with depression,take her some homemade vegetable soup—it may be the only thing with real nutrients in it she's eaten all week!
One friend came and washed all my silverware one day. (JJ, I will never forget that act of kindness!)

THREE: Just be with me from time to time...watching the dogs romp, the sun set, the clouds float by. A little companionable conversation or even silence would have been such a blessing—much more useful than trying to be my therapist.

Finally, know that even though I may look a mess, there is healing happening. Vomit may not look pretty, but it is an appropriate mechanism to rid the body of what is harmful. The psyche too has tremendous healing mechanisms, and they may not all be pretty. Do not assume because I seem a mess that there is not wisdom at work, walking me through this journey.