funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

I have never in my life desired to be male ... no “pee pee” envy for this chick! (I know I should use the P.C. and anatomically correct term, but I just can’t bring myself to do that.)

I think my father may have wished I were a boy; but being female was always, in my opinion, a better option.

One good thing about being male, however, is that they never have to put on panty hose! Also, they don’t have to do much to style their hair. Neither do they shave their legs, submit to waxing or put on makeup in order to present themselves to the world. Or, if they do any of the above, they’re not guys I’m much interested in knowing. Although, come to think of it, Matt once put on panty hose for a Halloween party. He looked pretty cute once he lost the striped boxer shorts underneath.

One of the drawbacks to being male is the fact that “what you see is what you get”. When they roll out of bed in the morning, shower and comb their hair, that’s about as good as it gets. If they have bags under their eyes, they’re stuck with them until a good night’s sleep restores their boyish charm. A real man wouldn’t be caught dead reclining on the couch with tea bags or cucumber slices, I don’t think.
One of my favorite TV commercials was the one about the guys sitting in a bar commiserating about whether their slacks made their butts look fat. I remember one said, “I just have to face it. I have my mother’s thighs.” It was funny because it was impossible! Men just don’t care. That’s OUR job … to obsess over our expanding body parts.

Also, have you noticed that men at high school reunions generally have not fared as well as women? I don’t mind when a man loses his hair. Sometimes, I even think a bald head is sexy … indicative of a heightened level of testosterone or something. However, how can so many of them develop huge bellies when they have never, ever given birth?

At my last reunion, I saw Kenny, my high school love. Kenny was the star of the football team and the basketball team. He was “All Ohio” in both sports and went on to coach in college. Now, at the reunion, Kenny did NOT have a big belly. He was the thinnest person there … I mean THIN! He looked like he had just escaped a concentration camp or had spent too long a time on “Survivor”. Also, his hair was dyed a kind of orange. What is it about men who dye their hair? I am the first to admit that my present glossy brown is not a result of genetic luck. I’ve dyed since my late 20’s. But it isn’t orange!

Is male hair molecularly different than women’s? If not, is Clairol deliberately formulated to discriminate against any male who uses it? Maybe there’s a crazy little scientist in the lab who figures if he makes all the other guys have orange hair, he’ll finally have a shot with the hot chicks? All I know is that I’ve never seen a man yet who dyes his hair so that it looks normal.

Matt is lucky! He’s one of those men whose full head of black hair has naturally turned silver grey. He’s better looking than he was when I married him nearly 20 years ago. He’s another reason I dye my hair. Let’s face it. He’s really cute … AND he’s 5 years younger than I am. No way can I afford to age gracefully!

Now, I want to tell you about one of the very few mystic experiences of my life.
This all happened years ago, when I was in Marketing with Viacom TV. I had a young assistant named Lori. Lori and I were both co-workers and friends. I counseled her through psycho boyfriends, PMS and career opportunities on a regular basis. She knew my daughters and was a regular at our family table. My point is Lori and I were tight. I think she knew me as well as anyone could in those hectic career days.

Well, one night I decided to go to my first psychic. This woman was a spiritual guide visited by many friends I respected. I entered her parlor and immediately noticed the smell of incense and the sound of soft, Eastern music. We sat on large, soft pillows. She took my hands in hers and closed her eyes.
“Jeanne, I get a strong sense that you have had many lifetimes before this one,” she said. “In all your past lifetimes, you were male. You were not a nice male. You raped and pillaged many villages. You were cruel.

That is why, in this lifetime, you decided to return as a female. It is also why you chose to have 4 girl children so that you might better understand the female experience. Further, that is why your daughters chose you to be their mother, so that they might better experience what it’s like to be reared by a female with strong male tendencies.”

She added “if you ever get disciplined, you will be a published writer.” Hmmmm.
Ever have one of those light bulb moments when, in spite of the silliness of a possibility, it somehow resonates in your soul as true? Well, I had such a moment then. Funny, isn’t it when that happens?

Anyway, back to Lori. You know ... the one who knew me well? The next morning at work, I recounted the psychic experience to her. She paused and thought for a moment. “Jeanne,” she said, “I think that may very well be true.”

It freaked me out! Here I was trying to maintain my femininity in a dog eat dog world of television, and my closest comrade thought I was a guy! Well, I’m not! Nevertheless, I still think there was some peculiar truth in the psychic’s words. That’s why I’m glad I’m female this time around and hope to be female for many lifetimes to come … at least until hell freezes over or the Democrats are back in the White House, whichever comes first!

Jeanne Charters lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. A former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television, she started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. [charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023]