retrieval
by toni bernbaum

I want it all back.
Every time I hung my head,
every word held on my tongue,
every lie I’ve told,
every piece of me I bought or sold,
thinking it would get me love.

I want it back.
The beg-your-pardons,
the I-didn’t-mean-tos,
the bowing out backwards,
the pleading, performing,
and scheming. The seducing,
and blaming. The waiting.
The compliance appliance I’ve been
with its righteous, condescending
“I’m above that” grin.

Give it to me.

I want to wear it,
rub it into my skin,
smooth it all over my hair.
I want it in the food I eat,
in whatever I smoke or drink,
I want to slick on my lips,
to kiss or not kiss
whoever I dare
and not care.

I want my dark down dirty self back,
Its black magic wings
arched at my shoulders,
then aimed like a warrior’s arrow,
I’m going to bend the bow of my body
so far back that nothing but its original target
is clear, and then, Lord Mama,
I’m gonna let go.
Because of all the things I¹ve lost
Over a lifetime of forgetfulness
I miss you most.