funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

It is time for my annual “guilty pleasures” column…you know, the one when I admit that my tastes sometimes run to less than the gold standard in areas of media selection. I need to compose this right now because I am spending most of my writing time lately researching and writing a novel about the Irish Famine and its daughters. Kinda heavy stuff, but I’m mixing in lots of sex and drugs to keep myself interested. Too bad there was no rock & roll back in the middle of the 19th century or that would be there, too.

This is again the season when the television networks trot out their slimiest trash in hopes of piling up massive ratings which advertisers will flock to like flies to garbage dumps. The analogy is intended. They think we’re dumb; and obviously, they’re not far off in their assessment of American brain power because the car companies are falling all over each other to show their behemoths on television. Oh, that’s right…American car sales are in the dumper. Hmmmm…..

I can’t afford to be a snob about this, though, because I have made my living on such stuff for lots of years. Also, I sometimes watch it, much as it pains me to admit it.
WNC Woman, however, is run by a couple of mighty classy chicks. Julie and Sandi do not watch television. Don’t think they even have a set in their respective homes. Therefore, I must take it upon myself to report to you readers who do watch television my take on the latest crop of crap coming over the airwaves. Somebody has to do it!
DANCING WITH THE STARS: A mighty fun and harmless show where grade C celebrities team up with professional ballroom dancers and compete against each other for prizes. Actually, I respect a lot of these people for having the chutzpah to put on the rhinestones and high heels (the men’s are higher) and trot their slightly saggy derrieres out onto a dance floor. I just wonder when they are going to run out of people who used to be somebody, or nearly used to be somebody, or wish they could be somebody, to feature in the show.

I fear that, if this program stays on the air long enough, we may all be asked to be part of it. I mean, if you ever won a spelling bee or sang in the chorus of your high school musical, or maybe passed out a pamphlet at Bele Chere, you could be approached. I have never in my life heard the name of the gorgeous blonde wrestler who is now making like a prima ballerina all over my television screen. Prediction: bet she wins it, though Nick Lachey’s little brother, Drew, is looking mighty spritely with his partner, what’s her name? Who’re Nick and Drew Lachey? Pick up any copy of US Weekly and do your research, girl.

THE BACHELOR: By the time you read this, you may know who the gorgeous doctor from Nashville has chosen to be his one true love, but forgive my ponderings on this deep subject if he’s already married someone. I think this guy is cuter and nicer than any of his predecessors. He dispatched the crazy oncologist in the first episode with as much class as any man who has ever publicly dumped a psycho in recent memory.
The problem with The Bachelor, however, is that former bachelors have had such a lousy track record with their fiancees. None of the relationships have stuck, except for the little blonde bachelorette, Trista, who married the fireman from Colorado.
Trista was also a participant in Dancing with the Stars, but a quick and teary loser, I fear. Fifteen minutes of fame indeed, especially with the baby boomers and their memories aging faster than the speed of sound.

SKATING WITH THE STARS: A blatant rip off of the dance show, but not nearly as much fun. However, I will say that judge Dorothy Hamill, looks as good as the day when she won the Gold! And she still has the haircut.

BEAUTY AND THE GEEK: I watched this show last season but haven’t caught it yet this year. Produced by Ashton Kutcher who had the good sense to marry a woman w-a-a-a-y his senior, this program turned out to be a sweet little confection. The guys learned some social savvy from their beautiful partners, and the girls (who had no place to go but “up” in the brains department) learned some things about history, math and literature from their geeky guy pals. The concept appealed. There was absolutely no violence here; and though it was certainly a creampuff, it tasted like real sugar and not artificial flavoring to me.

THE GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS: At press time, the Oscars have not yet been handed out. I always like the Globes better anyway because, there, the people can drink and are unpredictable. My only complaint with the Golden Globes this year is that my personal favorite movie Crash was not nominated and A History of Violence was. I saw both and found nothing but violence in the latter mentioned movie. Oh, there was some gratuitous sex as well; but sex on a staircase has never appealed much to me. Think of the potential splinters. Though I disagreed with their choice of movie nominees, I watched the Globes anyway because the clothes are spectacular!

BOSTON LEGAL: Now, this program should NOT be on this list because it is really one of the few quality offerings on television. I am totally enamored of James Spader and have been for years. In Boston Legal, most of the time he comes across as a Cyborg until, once in a while, he again reveals the thinking woman’s sex symbol whom I worship. Furthermore, William Shatner is an absolute hoot as an aging, slightly delusional lawyer who runs the show and takes no prisoners. Best of all, it’s great to see Candace Bergen portraying a smart, savvy, grown-up woman who is not Botox frozen and does not wear a size 2.

It’s been a relief to get all this off my chest, dear reader, and I just had a thought!
After I’m published, look for me on Dancing with the Stars. You won’t be able to miss me. I’ll be the one wearing the big hair, false eyelashes and green fringe around my midriff.

Jeanne Charters is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. [ charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023 ]