a perfect couple
by reeta bochner wolfsohn

Every relationship is complex and unique. No one set of rules, solutions or behaviors fits all, but certain principles do serve as guidelines for creating relationships with the potential to stand the test of time.

Long-term, healthy relationships require constant work, consistent attention, strong communication skills, and the ability to compromise. Two people must be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings if they are to build a life together that provides a safe place where both partners feel listened to, heard and respected.

Each partner’s expectations, needs, values, dreams, hopes and goals will, for the most part, be different from the other’s. Differences either bring people together or push them apart. The more adept each partner becomes at compromising the less important the differences will be. Compromise doesn’t mean forgoing our own expectations, needs, values, dreams, hopes and goals for our partner’s; it means accepting and respecting our partner’s as much as we do our own. Compromise means finding ways to honor each other as individuals and as a couple.

People who take responsibility for their own happiness, their own self-esteem and their own well-being are more likely to set boundaries that promote the personal growth that enriches relationships. This assures that neither partner feels stifled or restricted, and each remains interesting to the other and interested in the other.

Life has a way of changing each of us, but that doesn’t mean any of us should try to change the other. Before you say, “I Do,” consider the things about your future husband/partner that might more realistically be described as “I don’t!” Be brutally honest with yourself about the characteristics and behaviors of your “knight in shining armor.” If you honestly believe you can live with the mannerisms on your “I don’t” list that irritate, annoy or offend you, then you are probably ready to say “I do.” If you honestly think he/she will change, you may want to hold off ordering the invitations.

Lasting relationships evolve over time. They are built day in and day out by paying attention to each other and to the relationship. Paying attention means creating ways to share each other’s goals and interests, dividing housekeeping responsibilities, spending time alone as well as time together, daily expressions and demonstrations of caring, thoughtfulness and intimacy.

“For richer or for poorer” is one of the more important but less understood relationship commitments. Money is the number one cause of divorce, the number one stressor in people’s lives, and a major contributor to domestic violence. Money plays an important role in all relationships, even if we don’t consciously recognize or acknowledge its presence.

Whether incomes are combined, or kept separate, each partner needs to be an active participant in the financial responsibilities of being a couple. Each person inevitably has her/his own money style, but both must work together to blend their two styles into one that engenders financial harmony and creates financial security.

Couples must work together to establish a common ground for managing their money. To make certain that the money component of your life doesn’t overshadow all of the other areas of your relationship: set a specific and regular time (and time limit) for discussing your finances. During that time, stay focused and objective, be clear about your own priorities, remain open to your partner’s/spouse’s priorities and committed to finding the balance between the two.

Couples who “live happily ever after” are couples who celebrate their love, work at keeping their relationship dynamic, maximize each other’s strengths, and minimize each other’s weaknesses. Long term relationships are ones where both partners share each other’s good times, are there for each other in the bad times; remain committed to staying together, and they understand that although neither one is perfect, together they make a perfect couple!

Reeta Bochner Wolfsohn, CMSW, is the founder of the Femonomics Institute (femonomics.com) which provides individual counseling, products and programs that help women to create emotional stability and financial security.
[ 828.658.1919; reetaw@charter.net ]