funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

I fear, dear reader, that I am about to bust your bubble in regard to my I.Q. and level of good taste. Obviously, since I am a writer for WNC Woman, you might have assumed that I am of at least average intelligence and that my standards for entertainment are fairly high.
Au contraire….

I cannot tell a lie. At this time of a new year and new resolutions, it is time for me to admit to you a few of my favorite guilty pleasures. Oh, get that hopeful look off your face…these don’t involve anything like adultery or drug addiction. You can get that on Maury or Dr. Phil any day of the week. These are just throwbacks to a childhood saturated in Photoplay magazines and Doris Day movies. You can take the girl out of Springfield, Ohio, but…

In regard to MAGAZINES:
I was in the Atlanta airport for a long layover. It’s wonderful to be in a place where your chance of seeing anyone you know are slim to none. That’s because you can skulk back to your trashy roots, eat junk food and read tabloid garbage that you would never want on your coffee table back home...ever!

I left the news stand and headed for Friday’s. As the grease from my cheeseburger rolled down my chin, I picked up my copy of US Weekly. How inspiring to learn that both J. Lo and Britney are now “ready to have a baby”. Seems that Britney is also pondering “retirement” at the ripe old age of 23. Well, sure she is...now that she has this swell husband (is it legal yet?) to support her. Oh, he’s not worked since they got together? Not to worry. If he ever goes back to his former job of backup dancer, he can surely earn enough to take care of Britney, plus the woman and 2 babies he left behind.

I finished the article about Britney and paged over to read about J. Lo. It was called “How Love Has Changed Me!” Be still, my heart. On J. Lo’s third try at the altar, she snared Marc Anthony. So, he just happened to be married at the time to a former Miss Universe with whom he had fathered 2 kids. So what? J. Lo says, “this time is for keeps.” I do believe her, but it sounds a little bit like Photoplay in the 50’s and someone called Liz. With track records like J. Lo’s and Marc’s, how can they fail? There are some nasty cynics out there who have implied that Ben dodged the biggest bullet of his lifetime by canceling out on that wedding last summer. Cruel! At the risk of joining the ranks of said cynics, however, I do hope that babies are not part of the equation for either Britney or J. Lo in the near future.

I headed back to the magazine/book shop planning to buy a copy of the New Yorker. Instead, my hand was pulled against my will toward another shiny publication. I picked up The National Enquirer…just to browse for a second. As I perused its pages, a distinguished male stranger said to me, “Hmmm, I always wondered who read those things.” Arrgh…I was busted!

TELEVISION:
Now that I’ve finally eliminated The Bachelor and Extreme Makeover from my personal “must see” list, along comes a little Sunday night confection called Desperate Housewives. I am so hooked!

Will Susan (Teri Hatcher) finally get to bed the hunky plumber, Mike? Or will Edie, (that trashy Nicolette Sheridan) add him to the notches on her garter belt? Will poor Lynette finally stop having baby boys and get to go back to work as a corporate hot shot? And what is going to happen when Gabrielle’s husband, Carlos, finds out she’s bedding their 17-year-old gardener? Will Bree (Marcia Cross) ever realize that perfect cooking and housekeeping do not a happy family make? Bree is so uptight that even her Marlo Thomas flip seems frozen in time and hairspray.

I realize that if you, like many of my friends, never dabble in trash and trivia, you may be lost in the meaning of this piece. Ah well, it’s time for you to learn how the other half lives…and I bet it’s way more than half, if they would admit it.
My excuse for all this is that confession is cleansing and I needed a good roto rootering of my soul.

Does this mean that during this New Year, I will take the pledge to never again pick up a tabloid in an airport or supermarket line? Of course not. Will I give up my Sunday night addiction to ABC at 9PM? Not on your life.

Funny, isn’t it? I’m doing this for the good of womankind. I think that by dipping into the depths of my psyche voyeuristically, I am able to maintain a faithful marriage, keep showing up at church, and read all of the quality novels that are part of Oprah’s book club.

Okay, you want better taste from me, right? I do vow this January, 2005, to never again read a Harlequin romance! Does that help??

Jeanne Charters is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. [ charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023 ]