blessed are the peacemakers
by annaleah atkinson

I’d like to gift you with a lovely story that teaches peace. When the children bring a problem to a teacher at the school where I teach, they are asked something like “What do you need to take care of yourself?” or “How can I help you take care of yourself?”

During recess one day, a preschooler, “Suzy”, came whining over to me with “May” following behind, head and shoulders down, staring atthe ground. No sooner did I start the sentence “What do you need...” than Suzy stood up straight, put her hands on her hips and, looking directly at May declared, “I didn’t like it when you scratchedmy tummy - and I need a hug.” I asked May if she’d be able togive Suzy a hug and she stood up straight, looked her in the eyes and smiled, saying joyously, “Yes!” They hugged and walked arm and arm to the swings. Tears came to my eyes at the simplicity and grace of what I had just experienced...angels disguised asfour-year-olds.

In this instance, there were no rights or wrongs, guilt or blame, no imposed solutions. Suzy had naturally followed the basic conflict resolution pattern which is simply1. Tell your story;2. .....how you feel;3. .....what you need;Get to Win-Win (a solution that satisfies both sides)In my role as mediator for adults, I introduce the mediation processwith something like: “Our goal is to hear your stories and how youfeel about what happened and then to get to a win-win solution. I honor both of you for being willing to resolve your differences with respect for yourselves and for each other. I believe each of you has the wisdom and kindness to come up with a solution that will make you both feel that you have gained something.”

This disarms some folks right away; they become more oriented toward solutions rather than blame. Right and wrong truly aren’t as important as finding a solution that works for each of them. I help them to see that although the past can’t be changed, they can choose the future.

It is important for the participants to understand that the mediator isneutral. They also need to know that they must speak respectfullyto the other person...no name calling or temper tantrums allowed. If folks are still too hot, agree to find another time to meet!

When there is conflict, there is a story. Neither side may agreeexactly on what happened but each needs to be able to tell her story without interruptions or corrections. The other party’s job is to actively listen, knowing their time to speak will come. If there is disparity, the mediator can simply say, “Your stories sound different yet I believe that both of you are reporting what you saw. Since we can’t change the past, I’d like both of you to express how you feel and what will make you happier.”

Sometimes people can’t exactly put their feelings into words, so the mediator can ask some questions to help draw out feelings, or they may need to lead the person by naming some feelings. “Can you fill in the blank...’When you shouted at me I felt________.’ “ or you can ask “It sounds like what she did frightened you, is that true?”Often in conflicts people have no idea that their actions weredistressing. Seeing an honest emotional expression such as crying can help soften the heart of the other person.

One of the hardest tasks, especially for new mediators, is refraining from coming up with solutions. I may think I have the best idea in the world but I must allow the participants to come up with their own solutions. The solution must work for them, so only they can create it. Emotional needs must be addressed too. I love to ask, “If you see her in the grocery store next week, will you be comfortable?” The mediator may initiate brainstorming for creative ideas and can help ground the ideas in reality. “Can you really come up with that much money so soon?” Solutions need to be workable and specific: what, where, when, how, who? Make sure the solution is clear to each person; you may need to write down the plan for clarity.

A similar model can be used to resolve conflicts within yourself. We’ll address it next issue. Peace.

Annaleah Atkinson, M. Ed., is a mother and grandmother, an interfaith minister who assists others in their spiritual reawakening, is on the board of the Asheville Mediation Center, a co-steward of Spirit Haven, a spiritual retreat center near Asheville, NC., and author of To Call Every Woman a Sister.To reach her, or learn more about Spirit Haven visit spirithaven.net.